There, I Said It: I Am Afraid

I don’t like doing introspections because I’m always afraid about what I might find. I’m always afraid that what I have been taught, what I have believed, will go against the core of what I really am, the actions that I take, and the outcomes of the actions that I take. I am perpetually scared of myself. So, I compartmentalize and concentrate on getting my next homework done, on making dinner, on being s good student, on doing a million things every day and exhausting myself, so that I don’t have to deal with myself.
I don’t know where this fear comes from, as I have never really been ashamed about anything that I have discovered so far. And, the things that I have learned, I like a lot. However, the possibility of cognitive dissonance remains.

I am afraid about how things influence me. Everything influences me, whether I like it or not. Nobody can help it. Your everyday input, the news, your family and friends, the stranger who looked at you on the street, the magazine cover that you barely glanced at. They all influence you in one way or another; some in very subtle ways, others bluntly. I feel it. I wish I could control it, but I can’t.

I am afraid about graduating, because for the first time in my life I will not be an official student. I’ll be set loose in the world with a diploma and fading memories of linguistic concepts and SLUgS’ parties. I have always identified myself with being a student, so much that it has become part of my personality. Sometimes I feel that I can’t imagine myself as anything other than a student, and that thought also scares me. The thought of not being able to divorce myself from the idea of being a student lead me to the decision that I cannot go to grad school right after college. I must get out into the real world! I must be something more than a student. I must. I must not be afraid.