Test Results have Arrived

I have been hanging on an edge waiting for my test results. They took forever to arrive. Almost three weeks of waiting were envolved. The wait gave me plenty of time to ponder about the potential results. Half of me wanted the test results to be positive. Positive results would constitute evidence to back up my theories about what is going on with my body. In addition, and although nobody said this outright, I am sure that my friends and family thought I was a little crazy, what with my claiming that I was allergic to gluten and trying all these fad diets and all. Heck, even I thought my claims were a little weird. Positive test results would prove that I am, in fact, not crazy. The other half of me wanted the test results to be negative, because then I wouldn't have to live the rest of my life on a restricted diet. Who wants to be allergic to wheat? Everything has wheat in it. My favorite foods are made with wheat. Who would want to live the rest of their lives without cheese-its? Certainly not I! In order to be able to eat gluten, I would swallow bit of my pride. Maybe.

Anyway, now the test results are in and although my pride is intact the outlook is grim. The results are conclusive and ominous: I have an active gluten sensitivity and it is recommended that I do not consume any wheat, barley or rye for the rest of my life. The results gave me mixed emotions, which started with my lamentations over never being able to eat pizza again. Lucky for me, before I received the test results, I had already found a source or two of gluten-free chocolate. The gluten-free chocolate was just as comforting as the regular kinds of chocolate, and so I think I will live.

Chocolate, Please

Question: Can I have a bit of chocolate. Just a little bit of chocolate, please.
Answer: [Evil laugh] NO, BECAUSE ALL CHOCOLATE IS MADE WITH GLUTEN OR ON MACHINES THAT ALSO MANUFACTURE WHEAT PRODUCTS!!!

Gluten Intolerance?

It is very possible that I have developed an allergy to gluten. I'm getting tested for it, and I should get the lab results in about 2-3 weeks. In the meantime, I am doing something very similar to the Atkins Diet; a gluten-free diet. How did I come to believe that I might be allergic? Well, that is a long story but I can sum it up by saying that (1) there are a few indicators and (2) my 23 and Me DNA results indicate that I am about 200% more likely than the average person to develop celiac disease. Yay.

A gluten-free diet is not as crazy as it sounds. It is actually quite healthy for you. Even Oprah has tried it. However, what it lacks in craziness it makes up for in difficulty. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING has wheat in it. Even the Atkins bars have wheat in them, so I can't eat those anymore.

Since I don't eat out at restaurants that much, I exercise a lot of control over what I ingest. This part is key in being able to maintain a gluten-free diet. This, and obsessively reading food labels. Pretty much the only thing I can eat without having to worry about gluten is fresh fruit.

I can't wait to get my test results so that I can know for sure if I really have a wheat intolerance. I am not one to be prone to unnecessary food privations. Or patience.